Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. - Groucho Marx
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. - Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx
I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. - Groucho Marx
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'. - Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. - Groucho Marx
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. - Groucho Marx
You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school! - Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. - Groucho Marx
Room service? Send up a larger room."[A Night at the Opera] - Groucho Marx
We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own. - Groucho Marx
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. - Groucho Marx
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people. - Groucho Marx
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. - Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. - Groucho Marx
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. - Groucho Marx
Before I speak, I have something important to say. - Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. - Groucho Marx
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. - Groucho Marx
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook. - Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. - Groucho Marx
I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that. - Groucho Marx
Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! - Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - Groucho Marx
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true. - Groucho Marx
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man. - Groucho Marx
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. - Groucho Marx
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party. - Groucho Marx
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. - Groucho Marx
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does - Groucho Marx
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx
If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go. - Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others. - Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. - Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx
Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo. - Groucho Marx
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know. - Groucho Marx
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. - Groucho Marx
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses. - Groucho Marx
While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know. - Groucho Marx
I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it. - Groucho Marx
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted - Groucho Marx
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket. - Groucho Marx
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. - Groucho Marx
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. - Groucho Marx
I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. - Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me? - Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad. - Groucho Marx
Go, and never darken my towels again. - Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. - Groucho Marx
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. - Groucho Marx
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. - Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. - Groucho Marx
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know. - Groucho Marx
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. - Groucho Marx
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx
Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet! - Groucho Marx
You are only as old as the woman you feel. - Groucho Marx
أعتقد أن التليفزيون وسيلة ثقافية هامة للغاية .. كلما وجدت شخصاً يقوم بتشغيله، أذهب إلى غرفة أخرى لقراءة كتاب - Groucho Marx
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. - Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while - Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. - Groucho Marx